Kell-Bell’s Regrets

Kelly wished for more. More time, more life, more. There was too much done that had to be undone, but she was out of time.

She reached for the list. Her former volleyball team was halfway down. With a frail hand, she used a pencil to etch them away. One less care. Dozens to go. Back to a particularly difficult entry. Her sister.

The photo was on the side table next to the hospital bed. It leaned, frameless, against a dusty Tiffany lamp. Curled edges spoke of the years spent in an old shed, forgotten.

Amanda was eleven years older than Kelly. With their father gone, she was like a second parent through rough times. Kelly was eighteen with their mom dropped dead, right in front of her. Massive heart attack, the coroner claimed. Kelly blamed Amanda at the time, said too many things, broke their bond. Then she did the unforgiveable.

Kelly picked up the phone, started to dial, then hung up. Her throat felt thick from something other than the meds. If only she had left it at her childish ranting after their mom died. If only she hadn’t…

This time, she didn’t stop dialing. She didn’t hang up. Four years was a long time. For the past six months, she’d kicked herself for letting things hang that long.

“Hello?”

Of course Amanda wouldn’t know who was calling. Kelly tried to speak, but she froze.

“Hello?”

Kelly’s chest squeezed. It was part fear, part disease. She panicked, making it worse, making it impossible to breathe.

“Answer now or don’t call back.” Amanda’s voice had an edge Kelly didn’t recognize.

“Ah…” Her traitorous lungs gripped her in iron. Now that she heard her beloved sister, she didn’t want to lose the tenuous link. Kelly tried again. “’Man… da…”

“Who the hell is this?” Amanda sounded nervous.

“Ka… ka-hell… wh…ait…”

Kelly grabbed at the closest inhaler. Two puffs couldn’t work fast enough, but her big sister didn’t disconnect.

“’Manda, it’s… Kelly,” she finally gasped.

“Kelly? Kell-Bell?” The nervousness turned to alarm. “What’s wrong? Do you need help?”

“No.” Kelly concentrated on slow, steady breathing. She won back control over her lungs, for the time being. “I… I need my big sis. I need… to apologize.”

“For what? Sweetie, I’ve been trying to find you for four years. What’s going on?”

Tears made hot by fever slid down Kelly’s cheeks.

“Got pneumonia,” she panted. The relieved sigh on the other end broke her heart. “Cancer complication.”

“Oh my God.”

“Wanted to let you know I was a jerk. It was stupid.”

“What?” Amanda was silent. “Oh, him. Kelly, I never blamed you. He used you to hurt me. Not the other way around.”

In the haze of grief following their mother’s death, Amanda’s first husband seemed like a safe haven. Kelly never dreamed she could betray her sister so thoroughly.

“I knew better. I knew it was wrong.” She kept it slow to conserve precious air. “It was too hard to ask… to face you.”

“Where are you?” Amanda asked. Kelly heard keys jingle in the background. “I’m coming right now.”

“Chicago. It’s too far.”

After the affair’s explosive ending, Kelly had fled her native St. Louis. City life hadn’t been easy, but it was the balm she needed. Until she got sick.

“Give me your address. I’ll get there as soon as I can.”

“No. Don’t come.” The covered mirror on the other side of the room hid the reason for her latest shame. “Don’t see me like this.”

“Kell-Bell,” Amanda choked on the pet name. Kelly heard the soft gasping of a muffled sob. “How bad is it?”

“Bad. Not long.” A tickle in the back of her throat triggered a coughing episode that seemed to last forever. When Kelly could get back to the phone, her sister was openly crying. “Sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Oh baby. My poor baby sister. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Ashamed. Bad karma. Don’t know.”

“Don’t blame yourself!” Amanda spoke with more vehemence than Kelly remembered possible. “Nobody deserves to get cancer. Do you hear me?”

“Love you, ‘Manda.” Things were getting hazy. Kelly got tired so easy lately. “Sleepy. Will send my things. Love you.”

“No, wait!”

Completely exhausted, Kelly put the phone’s handset back on the cradle. She let sleep overtake her. It wasn’t time yet, but it was close.

☼

“Kelly.”

The haze was slow to part. It was a hospice volunteer, one she didn’t recognize.

“Mmm?”

“You have a visitor.”

She didn’t get visitors. “Wrong room. Lemme sleep.”

“She says she’s your sister, Amanda. Can I show her in?”

“’Manda’s not here. She’s in St. Louis.”

“I’m here, Kell-Bell.”

Kelly had a hard time focusing on the figure at the door. It drew closer, and a familiar hand brushed her cheek. For a wonder, her skin didn’t feel like it would peel away at the slightest touch.

“Oh, Sweetheart. I wish I knew. Poor, poor baby.”

“Why’d you come?” She wanted to say more, but a deep chest rattle threatened to block her lungs again.

“Because you’re my baby sister.”

“Don’t deserve you…” She swallowed against her dry mouth and throat. Things needed to be said. “I… I ruined your marriage.”

“I told you on the phone, I blamed him, not you. He manipulated you. Yes, I was angry, and we had words, but I forgave you when I learned the truth.”

Kelly willed her eyes to focus. She wanted to see her sister one more time.

Amanda was beautiful. At thirty-three, she was mature and confident. Auburn hair was layered just so without looking pretentious. Clear hazel eyes that Kelly remembered so well were as sharp as ever, if bloodshot.

“Thank you,” Kelly whispered. It was more of a gasp, really. “Will you sit with me… for a while?”

“Of course.”

Kelly closed her eyes. It was too hard to keep them open. Amanda’s warm hands wraps around her frozen pair. Yes, she was glad her sister came.

“Think… Mom will be there?”

Amanda made a noise in her throat. Kelly barely felt the tighter squeeze around her hands.

“Kelly?” Amanda sounded like she was in another room, but her warmth remained nearby. “Sweetie?”

“Sleepy. Where’s Mom?”

“You’ll see her soon, Kell-Bell.”

“’kay, ’Manda-Panda.”

Kelly’s chest was full. It didn’t hurt anymore, but she couldn’t catch her breath.

“I love you so much.”

Amanda’s voice was fading, but that was okay. Kelly heard someone else talking to her, someone she missed terribly.

Then it was okay to let go.

☼

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